homegame

Monday Night Football

Announcers talk too much to suit me, but I'm old, and Madison Ave. can't get me to drink Coors Light no matter what it tries, so I don't count. I didn't care for babble in the booth when I was 20, either. I am, however, more used to it now.

As babblers go, the Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann, Tony Kornheiser trio have the potential to be less grating than other NFL announcing teams. Too bad they're blowing it. As the three broadcasters are finding enhanced camaraderie, they've stopped watching the games. Desperate attempts to cram in pre-arranged talking points lead them, especially novice Kornheiser, into patently absurd falsehoods.

From the game's second play last night, the most casual viewer knew the Patriots, an elite team, were in top form while the Vikings, a borderline OK team, were anything but. Mismatches, of course, are a deadly threat to announcers. It's when they press into absurdity to keep our attention.

Preset talking point number one was how Minnesota quarterback Brad Johnson doesn't make egregious errors. Somewhere in the midst of Theismann's third monologue on the topic, Johnson threw one of the worst interceptions in NFL history to Rodney Harrison.


Theismann's comment, "very uncharacteristic." Uh-huh. That's why Johnson is a quarterback who both won a Super Bowl and can't keep a steady job. He's a mechanic, a fill-in. He's also played since before the AFL-NFL merger. Everyone watching knew this. Why lie to our faces?

Thiesmann's howler was soon surpassed by Kornheiser. As Tom Brady shredded the Vikings' defense (nice pass rush, guys), Kornheiser said, "We don't really know Tom Brady that well. We're not as familiar with him as Peyton Manning."

Yeah, that Brady's a recluse. Aside from his two Super Bowl MVP trophies, his movie actress girlfriend, his guest spot on the Simpsons, being named Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year, and sitting next to the First Lady at the State of the Union address, the Pats' quarterback has flown completely under the national radar. He might as well live in the Unibomber's old cabin.

If Kornheiser meant to say for reasons known only to themselves, Manning has chosen to do more TV commercials this season than Brady, he would've been correct. That would make a minor topic on Tony's old radio show. In the middle of an actual game, it would've been irrelevant. As the actual statement came out, it was comedy gold. Irrelevant comedy gold.

The source of these howlers was obvious. In the endless pre-broadcast meetings (announcers, believe it or not, work very, very hard), some nitwit in authority gave the trio a set of talking points. These points were the storylines ESPN wanted, and they were the stories ESPN was determined to get, whether or not they had any actual connection to the game the announcers were supposed to tell us about.

Announcing is not easy. A football game is an exercise in mass chaos in which most of the participants have only a sketchy idea what's going on. If announcers are trying to insert prepackaged thoughts into the mix while attempting to comment on the game itself, they're going to wind up sounding like idiots on a regular basis.

Tirico, Theismann, and Kornheiser are anything but idiots. Left to their own devices, they might become a quality announcing crew, enjoyable to many, and at least tolerable to crabby cranks like yours truly.

The three well-paid poor guys won't be left alone. Ratings are up, and of course the games themselves have nothing to do with it. Compared to ESPN, George W. Bush is a symphony of second thoughts and self-doubt.

That is why, dear readers, I'm off to Comcast's local office this morning. This post was made necessary by a terrible tragedy. The mute button on my remote is broken.

posted by Michael Gee @ 8:44 AM