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Pick Up on Grocery Aisle Six, STAT!!

Bill Parcells added another line to his Hall of Fame resume last night-the first unassisted triple play in NFL history. The coach of the Dallas Cowboys made a single decision that may have ended three careers, both of his two quarterbacks' and his own.

The choice: Late in the first half of the Cowboys game against the Giants, starter Drew Bledsoe threw about as awful an interception as possible in the New York end zone, allowing the Giants to leave the field at intermission with a 12-7 lead. Parcells, who'd been openly hinting at a change all week, benched Bledsoe for backup Tony Romo.

The immediate results: Romo threw an interception on his first play from scrimmage, then threw two more. All were as awful as Bledsoe's blunder. The last was run back 96 yards for a touchdown, and New York won 36-22.

The long-term results: An overwhelming probability the Cowboys are toast for 2006, facing nothing but two months of a slow-motion crash and burn. There's a 95 percent probability Bledsoe's career is done, a fact that'll be made official in January. There's a 60 percent chance Romo will have no career at all, none better than mediocre, anyway.

Last but not least, the decision indicates there's a 100 percent chance this is Parcells' last year in Dallas, and at 66, his last year as a coach, period. They can put the entertaining, gifted SOB in the Hall of Fame where he belongs.

Parcells broke the most important rules of the coach-quarterback relationship, maxims so fundamental Pop Warner coaches know them by heart. You never change quarterbacks unless you must. You change quarterbacks in the middle of a game only if the "must" involves a near-death medical experience for the starter. Breaking these rules inevitably leads to disaster for all concerned.

As everyone who follows football knows, Bledsoe is somewhere on the 17th fairway of a long, reasonably OK NFL career. Drew never turned into Johnny Unitas, but he wasn't Tim Couch, either. At this point, however, the "flaws" section of Bledsoe's performance pie chart is swallowing the "strengths" slice in greedy hunks. Benching him would not in itself be an unreasonable decision. It happens to them all, eventually. There are 26 quarterbacks in the Hall, and only three, Otto Graham, Norm Van Brocklin, and John Elway, walked away from the game on top. Joe Montana and Joe Namath each got fired. No reason Bledsoe can't be.

BUT YOU DON'T FIRE A QUARTERBACK AT HALFTIME!!! The wise coach takes his lumps, then switches field generals for the next game. This allows the starter the chance to redeem himself in the second half. If he can't, he's got no bitch when you tell him Joey Clipboard's taking the first team reps in practice this week.

This procedure also gives Joey C. a far better chance of running the team with success when he steps into the huddle for the first time. He's as prepared as can be. Perhaps more importantly, so are his teammates. Changing QBs is a Very Big Deal. Football players, like most of us, are creatures of habit. The more time they have to get used to a major change, the better.

In the short-term, benching a healthy QB in the midst of a game is as surefire a way to lose a game as exists. It's a desperate decision, and recognized as such by all concerned. The line between panic and desperation is a fine one. A desperate coach usually winds up leading a panicked team. That seldom goes well.

But it's after the game when the real trouble starts. You lost. Former starter Bob Bigcontract thinks he got screwed (Bledsoe said so the media last night). Joey Clipboard, on the other hand, is wondering just how long he'll be the starter. Will another interception turn his battlefield promotion into a battlefield demotion? The offense is choosing sides between the two QBs. The defense is wondering what the hell's going on. The media is badgering you and everyone in the organization down to the towel boys about who'll quarterback and for how long next Sunday. Your team isn't exactly a band of brothers marching towards Agincourt. Cheese-eating surrender monkeys is more like it.

Yours truly covered three different mid-game quarterback switches in his past sportswriting career. None worked, and the one that appeared to work was the worst disaster of the three.

Two involved playoff games in which a big favorite was trailing at home, a situation where desperation is not uncalled for . In the 1987 playoffs, Bill Walsh replaced Montana with Steve Young late in the third quarter against the Vikings. The 49ers were down by three TDs. It was a Hail Mary to spark a rally and nothing more. When training camp opened next summer, Young was back on the pine. What I remember is the tremendous cheer from the crowd when Young came out to the huddle instead of Montana. That's when I learned that by and large pro football fans suck.

Three years later at the old Vet, Buddy Ryan benched Randall Cunningham for the first series of the third quarter of a wild-card game against Washington. One three and out later, the Eagles were on their way from a 6-3 to 13-3 deficit. After the Redskins' score, Ryan sent Cunningham BACK as the QB. Unsurprisingly, Ryan was fired about 9 seconds after the final gun of the 20-6 Philly loss.

The "successful" QB switch came in an October 1983 game in old Foxboro Stadium. In the second quarter, the Seahawks led the Patriots 23-0. Coach Ron Meyer removed Steve Grogan and inserted rookie first round draft pick Tony Eason.

In one of those events that make football a bad sport to bet, Eason led the Pats to 38 unanswered points and a 38-23 triumph. If only he'd then retired. The Grogan-Eason controversy became a malignant tumor eating at the vitals of a pretty damn good football team for the next four seasons.

Parcells knows all this. So the question isn't "why did he bench Drew?" It's "what in the world made an October game between two 3-2 teams worthy of such a high-risk, high stakes gamble.?" Why, in short, was Bill so desperate?

As an amateur (formerly professional) Parcellsologist, only one answer comes to mind. Parcells was desperate because he's already made up his mind this is his last spin on the merry-go-round, at least in Dallas. A great coach was so anxious to leave a winner he made the one move best designed to produce the opposite result.

There are 19 coaches in the Hall of Fame. Only ONE, Bill Walsh, walked away a winner.

posted by Michael Gee @ 10:32 AM