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Hoist on My Own Petard -- Twice

This has been a difficult week of sports observing. Writing the phrase "Joe West is right" causes an almost physical pain. To find myself in spiritual agreement with the patrons (spectators in normal English) of the Masters tournament is an even deeper wound. Yet here I am, suffering both experiences.

West, on most people's short list of worst umpires in the big leagues, called the Yankees and Red Sox an embarrassment to baseball for the endless dawdling that makes their games a cinch to blow past 3 1/2 hours in length even if they're engaged in a pitcher's duel. The usual suspects harrumphed in rebuttal. Players I admire, such as Mariano Rivera (the one guy on both teams who does work fas) did so, and so did, almost in unison, the commentators employed by ESPN, who, needless to say, have a vested interest in the ratings cow that is baseball's most overexposed rivalry.

(Why do people watch the Yanks-Sox who don't live in New York or Boston? Why do they still watch any prime time show past its prime? Familiarity plus there's nothing else good on.)

But West WAS right. The pace of a Yankee-Sox game is a caricature of baseball. The game is supposed to build drama through its pauses, not consist of said pauses. At my day job, the baseball fans in the office, who have never been sportswriters, and therefore do not have a learned hated of anything that creates deadline pressure, all complained about the length of the games in the Yanks-Sox series. They all watched the games, but not the last two innings.

Baseball has rules about speed of play. They are enforced rather less often than regulations governing Wall Street. As we saw last week, attempts to enforce those rules didn't anger the Red Sox and Yankees, they mystified them. Derek Jeter couldn't have been more surprised not to have been granted a time out than if he'd been called out on strike two.

If, as West charged, the Yanks and Sox are the only clubs who are ignoring major league guidelines on pace of play, then a little meeting with Bud Selig before the teams' next series in May is in order. Or, maybe Selig could just meet with West himself. Here was a case of an indictment delivered by an unindicted co-conspirator.

West overlooked the one element of Yankee-Red Sox games he COULD influence for the better. Both clubs are notorious for taking a lot of pitches at the plate. West is equally notorious for having one of baseball's smallest strike zones. It is within his power to start calling a few pitches below the belt for strikes, since technically, that's what they are. A few more called strike threes with men on base would do more to goad the Yanks and Sox into a quicker tempo than any amount of prodding from the commissioner.

Meanwhile, in another development that has stirred the commentariat, the galleries at Augusta National Golf Club have given Tiger Woods a warm verging on adoring welcome upon his return to competition. The fans, almost all of whom have been attending the Masters since before Woods ever played in it, have chosen to ignore the hilarious and sordid scandal Woods has made of his non-golf life. They have chosen to ignore the obvious fact Woods remains the same pretentious, monomaniacal, bizarre soul he was before the scandal came to light (just like Ben Hogan, huh? Sure, sex addiction equals near-fatal auto accident). For those who plumb sports seeking The Meaning Of It All, this blinkered behavior by the patrons is an outrage.

To me, it's simple common sense. People attend a golf tournament to see golf played well. This Woods can still do. Ergo, the Masters spectators are happy to see him back, because he is providing more bang for their buck. At bottom, they really don't care about Tiger Woods the person. It is difficult to see why they should.

Woods has spent his entire adult life using people. It's made him rich (celebrity product endorser and consumer is a straight-up exploitative relationship). It has left the rest of his life in tatters, tatters that may never be mended. Woods SAYS he's working on mending them. We'll see.

In the meantime, golf fans are using Tiger Woods right back. They are taking their sporting pleasure from him, offering the applause that is the artist's due. What do they think of Woods the person. That's a secret, or rather many secrets, known only to them.

I find a rough justice in that relationship. And it'll get a lot rougher the first time Woods shoots a 76.

posted by Michael Gee @ 7:37 AM