Sunday, December 06, 2009

Memo to the Dept. of Weather

Dear Folks: While attention to customer service is always appreciated, you up there in the Cosmic Powers building appear to have misinterpreted the millions of calls for and general buzz about a white Christmas that always pop up after Thanksgiving.

Don't blame yourselves. Human beings have a difficult time expressing themselves clearly, and when it comes to the White Christmas concept, they're hopeless. So on behalf of my species, let me get more specific. People DO want a White Christmas. But they have a very narrow interpretation of the term.

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" means the person in question is dreaming of the following scenario: It is the evening of December 24. The presents are bought and wrapped, the ingredients for festive meals are in the kitchen and liquor closet, the tree is trimmed, and hokey music is on the sound system. Then, and only then, is it supposed to start snowing. And it should be a gentle, fluffy snowfall that wouldn't stop anything from getting and to and back from midnight services. It should also stop promptly during morning of December 25, so those trips to grandmother's house don't turn into holiday horror shows.

THAT'S a white Christmas. All snowfalls before December 24 are just what snowfalls are after December 25 -- enormous pains in the ass.

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

Sincerely yours,


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