Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Records Are Made to Be Broken

One would have thought that Manny Ramirez's explanation of why he failed a drug test would've stood up a little longer as the leader in the clubhouse for the Weirdest, Most Preposterous Alibi of 2009 trophy. Mark Sanford, a man inspired, made sure "I tested positive for female hormones because I took them for an undisclosed sexual problem" is an also-ran by about four furlongs worth of insanity.

"I was hiking the Appalachian Trail" to explain a six-day disappearance which was really an assignation with a mistress in Buenos Aires, well, what can you do but tip your cap to the soon-to-be-former Governor of South Carolina? The creativity involved in coming up with an explanation so obviously off-base as to generate megatons of suspicion is mighty impressive idiocy. My favorite touch was Sanford packing hiking gear and supplies in the car he left at a South Carolina airport. Yeah, that'll throw 'em off the scent. If anybody finds this stuff, they'll know I went hiking-without it. It would not be too much to say that it was probably the only creative act Sanford, a generic southern Republican nice-hair pol, has ever committed.

One hopes the mistress is Martin Bormann's grand-daughter. That's about the only way this story gets better.

Actually, it just struck me what the oddest effect of Sanford's misadventure will be. Thousands of people go away and hike the Appalachian Trail each summer for recreation. It's about as wholesome a vacation as can be-at least it used to be.

Now, not a single one of those outdoorspeople can possibly tell a single soul about their activity. They'll be laughed out of any office or barroom in America. Hiking becomes the hobby that dare not speak its name.


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