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The First Time as Farce, the Second Time as Slapstick

February 1, 2022: Tom Brady retires from the professional football.

March 13, 2022: Tom Brady ends retirement from professional football

February 1, 2023: Tom Brady retires from professional football again. "For good,." he says on social media.

Fast forward to January 28, 2024. Ford Field, Detroit, site of the NFC championship game. We cut to the Fox Sports Announcers Booth:

Play by Play Announcer Kevin Burkhardt: "Well, Tom, the Lions are certainly up against it. They're down 10-0 and both quarterback Jared Goff and his backup Nate Sudfield have left the game with injuries. What should coach Dan Campbell do for halftime adjustments, Tom? Tom? Tom? Where'd he go?"

Enter NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: Hi, Kevin. I'm here to tell fans about a secret rule change that was made at last March's owners' meeting. By rule, Tom Brady is empowered to act as the emergency quarterback at any game he's broadcasting as the color man. We wanted to avoid what happened to the 49ers in last season's NFL title game."

Burkhardt: "Thank you Commissioner. But what about me? Who's my emergency partner?

A beaming Rob Gronkowski enters the booth.

Burkhardt: "Give me a sec to call my agent while we're on break."

On the Lions sideline, Brady is being outfitted with a Lions uniform as he signs a 24-hour contract. It doesn't fit too well as the jersey belongs to a backup tight end who's now listed as "doubtful" to return. Equipment men feverishly use athletic tape to cover the guy's name and number and put "Brady" and "12" on the jersey's back in Magic Marker.  Brady dons a special helmet that will allow him to interview teammates at game's end, created by Fox technicians at the direct order of Rupert Murdoch.

Fast forward two more hours. Up in the booth, Burkhardt declares, "And that's the ending to one of the most remarkable games in NFL history as the Lions beat the 49ers 21-20 to advance to their first ever Super Bowl thanks to the play of my former and future colleague Tom Brady. How Tom was able to recover the fumble of his own interception in the end zone for the winning score just defies belief."

All Niners' bettors across America, "I'll say."

In the Lions locker room, Brady is interviewing ecstatic Lions players. Coach Campbell embraces Brady, saying "We're a cinch to win the Super Bowl with you."

Re-enter Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Sorry Dan. The secret rule says Brady can only be the emergency quarterback for games on Fox. The emergency quarterback is defined as the quarterback who's the color man for the network broadcasting the game. That's CBS this year.

On the back nine at Pebble Beach, Tony Romo exclaims, "I knew it, this is my chance. It's a wizard piece of wizardly luck."

Other three members of foursome: "Shut up, Tony."

Every person in the state of Michigan and every Lions fan on earth: "That's why they're the Lions."

Gisele Bundchen: "This is all why I'm on the beach in Costa Rica right now."

posted by Michael Gee @ 9:45 AM