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Talk About a 1 vs. 16 Seed

During the NCAA tournament this weekend, there were many ads for "Batman vs. Superman: Superfluous Subtitle." Many too many.

There was no escape over at Fox's NASCAR broadcast. Jimmie Johnson's 48 car wore Superman's logo. For the conspiratorial-minded stock car far, that is, all of them, Johnson won to set up yet another delightful round of "NASCAR is fixed" theories.

I am not going to see "Batman vs. Superman." This is not because the trailers look horrible, although they do, but because the movie is operating from a false premise. Any fight between the Caped Crusader and the Man of Steel will HAVE to be fixed if the movie is to last more than 30 seconds.

Let's look at the tale of tape.

Superman
1. Faster than a speeding bullet
2. More powerful than a locomotive
3. Able to leap tall buildings with a single bound.

Batman
1. In excellent shape, very cut body
2. Drives a really hot car
3. Overtly dark and brooding personality.

So the consensus among the wise guys of the superhero fight mob runs as follows: If the two heroes are going to the same bar of a Saturday night to try and hook up with girls, Batman has the edge. In a fight, Superman wipes the floor with the pointy-eared palooka.

Ben Affleck didn't sign up to have Superman clean his clock. The scriptwriters' thumbs will be on Batman's side of the scale 100 times more heavily than if they were reffing an ACC basketball game at Cameron Indoor Stadium. Superman will be shown to have other hidden weaknesses beside Kryptonite. Cat dander perhaps.

I've paid money for enough real fight mismatches. Damned if I'm going to pay for a fake one.

posted by Michael Gee @ 9:16 AM