Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Can't the Weed of Crime Bear Funny Fruit Instead?

Thinking about Sunday night's Pats-Colts game is very boring. New England should win by about as large a margin and with as little effort as they did against the Jaguars. This will be a story with no moral except that the Colts stand as a signal lesson that an offensive and defensive line are two things an NFL team kind of needs.

So I daydream instead, and there's plenty of time for sports daydreaming when Joe Maddon is changing pitchers every other pitch. What outcome on Sunday night would provide the most entertainment (for me of course, I don't care if Cris Collinsworth has a good time)? What would be the exact opposite of what's really going to happen?

The Colts would have to win, of course, since stifling the vapid triumphalism of local media hereabouts (which Bill Belichick must hold in utter scorn) for at least a week would enhance my football experience immeasurably. But to provide the maximum fun in return for a late Sunday night, Indy couldn't just win, it'd have to win the right way.

By right, I mean wrong. The Colts would have to win the game AND break any or all of the 12,435,754,999 picayune rules the NFL has created for game procedure in the process. It'd be best if they did so in a blatant manner that was really cheating, like giving Stephen Gostkowski a weighted football with a lead strip on one side for the winning field goal try, but I'll settle for much, much less.

The Patriots would detect the violation, naturally, and they'd howl. So would I, with laughter.  Next Monday would be the most magnificent clusterfuck in NFL history. American sports media would be buried under tons of hot take lava. Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless would each die of apoplexy on the air. Roger Goodell's nervous breakdown would be the most viral video ever! Oh, it'd be swell.

Daydreams end just like night dreams do. In our sadly unimaginative real world, I figure Sunday night will find me changing the channel to see what else is on shortly after LaGarrette Blount's second touchdown.


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