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Injury report

In only a few minutes, the pep rally for the Patriots will begin at Gillette Stadium, allowing all local news to have film at six. I would give anything to see the following sight at this non-event, which I won't, which is too bad for the Pats, because it would mean they were going to beat the Giants by approximately nine touchdowns.

Bob Kraft speaks the usual banalities. Bill Belichick takes his turn and offers more succinct banalities. And then...

Tom Brady is wheeled before the podium. We know it's Brady because someone has painted the number 12 on the chest of his full-length, head-to-toe, Warner Bros. cartoon body cast which has holes for his eyes, nose, and mouth. The microphone is placed in front of the mouth hole, and Brady guarantees victory in Super Bowl LXII -- in the voice of "Simpsons" character Hans Moleman.

Believe me, I know from bitter experience that filling the sports section of Super Bowl bye week when the home team's in the game is a desperate venture. No story, no matter how stupid, can be overlooked, because, in actuality, there are no stories that aren't either redundant or stupid. However, Brady's allegedly injured ankle need not disturb the sleep of any sentient Pats fan.

In the locker room after the 2001 AFC championship game win over the Steelers, Brady WAS hurt. He had a medical appendage on his leg that looked like a slice of the Stay-Puft marshmallow man from "Ghostbusters." One week later, Brady took every snap from center in Super Bowl XXXVI, and by most estimates gave a good account of himself.

So unlike some gifted athletes, like say, Manny Ramirez, Brady has a documented past of being a quick healer. A missed practice or three to heal is of little consequence. Brady already knows how to play quarterback.

In any event, the status of Brady's health will be made public beyond the shadow of a doubt the first time he attends one of the Super Bowl's mandatory press conferences. Brady will tell us all about it even if he doesn't say a word.

It's a good thing (on many levels) Brady's avocation is beautiful women and not card games. Brady doesn't have an "Old Maid" face, let alone poker. He's a wretched prevaricator. When Brady is hiding something, his body breaks out in a rash of tells. The perpetual listing of Brady on the Pats' injury report is likely done to spare him the embarrassment of failing to convince anyone he's fully healthy when suffering a minor ding most players would lie about with absolute conviction.

Besides, if Brady really was hurt, Matt Cassell would probably be in MGH on a 24/7 Prozac IV.

posted by Michael Gee @ 9:40 AM